


Since The Beginning Of Everything

by suhologist (avisdreams)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Aromantic Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 02:51:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6593776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avisdreams/pseuds/suhologist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wished he was somewhere else, or at least with someone who mattered. None of these people mattered. All of it was a charade to prove something he didn’t want, didn’t feel.</p>
<p>He told himself, <i>my love isn’t real.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Since The Beginning Of Everything

**Author's Note:**

> originally written for round 2 of xingdae's ficfest. in this jongdae is aromantic, though that term isn't explicitly used.

_Thunder rolls in. What do you hear? The groans and aches of ancestors echoing up in the clouds? Do you hear the tired planet creaking on its axis? Do you hear God?_

_There’s lightning and rain in the air and I remember I’m hidden in the warmth of the sheets connecting me to Iseul. Sleeping Iseul, who hears God in thunder.  Who appreciates a reminder that there are great things above us. Who remembers when little Park Sunwoo whispered it was God bowling, which Iseul believed, and he can’t believe he ever thought of Him so simply._

_“God was never simple for me, even as a child.” I know -_

The buzz of his phone breaks Jongdae out of his concentration. He debates about not answering. It’s been days since he’s been able to get into a steady groove in his writing.  When he looks at the caller ID and sees that it’s Yixing he answers reflexively.

It’s been weeks since they’ve spoken each other, and longer since they’ve seen each other.  It’s been this way for a while; Yixing in China visiting his family, Jongdae in Korea working.  It should be weird, not talking for such a long stretch of time. But things happen.

“I’m coming back to Korea soon.”

Jongdae’s elated. “How soon? When, ge?”

“About ten days. I’ve missed everyone.”

Jongdae notices Yixing’s accent, it’s gotten thicker with the time spent in China. Has it really been that long?

“We’ve missed you too. Do you need me to pick you up at the airport— ?” Jongdae leaves the question hanging, not sure if he could be stepping over some unknown boundary that Yixing put between them since university ended.

“No. Lu-ge is going to get me. I’ll see you when I’m settled. We’ll go out to dinner with everyone.”

They spoke for a few minutes, over non-sensical things (Yixing’s old friends, how his mother is doing) before Yixing says he has to go, that there is still a lot of packing he needed to do.

When the call ends Jongdae saves the document on his computer and shuts it, his concentration gone, and rubs his eyes. Ten days until Yixing comes back.

~*~

Yixing and Jongdae first met when they were twelve years old. Yixing was new, he moved with his family from China. The first week he kept to himself a lot, and seemed to enjoy being alone. Jongdae, who only knew very few sentences in Mandarin, took the plunge and introduced himself to Yixing who was sitting in the lunch room, playing on his handheld game.  
“Hello, my name is Kim Jongdae. How are you?”

Yixing laughed and Jongdae blushed, he knew his Mandarin wasn’t the best. Jongdae noticed Yixing had a dimple.

“I’m good,” Yixing responded in heavily accented Korean. “I’m Yixing,” he noticed the Superman button on Jongdae’s backpack. “Do you like comics?”

“Yeah!”

“Me too, I like Superman a lot.”

Jongdae scoffed. “Obviously, he’s the best.” Yixing smiled again and Jongdae invited him to sit with him and his other friends. “They’re cool, I promise. Well, most of the time. They won’t be mean though.”

Yixing agreed. He gathered his stuff and followed Jongdae back to his lunch table where two other boys were sitting with each other. Jongdae was excited, he loved making new friends, especially with other kids that liked comics and superheroes. Jongdae introduced Yixing to the boys at the table; Baekhyun and Chanyeol.

“Hi, I’m Yixing.” Baekhyun, the smaller boy out of the two, grinned up at him. “You don’t have to be so polite.” Yixing started to blush as he sat down.  
Chanyeol spoke, his voice cracking, “Where in China are you from?”

“Changsha, Hunan province.”

“Jongdae~ he’s nice.” Baekhyun laughed when Yixing blushed again, and Jongdae felt guilty, he didn’t think his friends would be teasing so quickly.  
“Leave him alone. I promised him you guys were cool, don’t make me regret that.” Baekhyun and Chanyeol laughed, while Yixing smiled shyly.  
Chanyeol took a large bite of his food before speaking to Yixing, “You should hangout with us after school. We like going to the arcade some days. You should try and come.”

“Okay.”

~*~

_“I never understood how everyone could be so sure. I never understood any of it, I guess.”_

_When I’m drunk I confusion pours out of me, stirring up my own silence._

_“Let’s not talk about this,” he says._

_I swallow the memory of past inabilities as I watch him breathe—his breath hissing through his teeth, skinny chest inflating. I hear more in the noises his lungs make than I hear in thunder. When the rain starts I’ll wake him, I bargain. The thunder rolls and rolls, and the air swells up so fat with moisture I can see the molecules shaking in their efforts; still no rain. When the cold and the dry are too much to bear a moment longer, I roll over and kiss him awake, wet and warm and sour. I ask him what he hears in me and he closes his eyes against the golden sun._

_“What do I hear?” he says. He tries his best with these games of mine, even though he doesn’t understand them. He listens hard and says,_

His phone rings. Again. Baekhyun keeps texting him and won’t leave him alone. Ever since he found out Yixing’s trip to China was over, that he’d be coming back to Seoul, he’s been purposefully getting under Jongdae’s skin by making comments and asking questions about what he was going to do when Yixing actually got here.

_“You know, the only reason he stayed in China for as long as he did was to get over you.”  
“Baekhyun, stop.”_

His phone; he has a deadline, what doesn’t Baekhyun get about that? Except it’s not Baekhyun, it’s Yixing. He picks it up, he’s supposed to be flying in today.

“Hello?”

“Jongdae are you busy?” he sounds tense, Jongdae can hear it in his voice.

“What’s wrong?”

“Luhan was supposed to get me at the airport but he called me before I boarded and he said something came up. Something with his job. I’m sorry if you’re busy I’ll just take a cab when I get there and—“ Jongdae cuts him off.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be there. What time do you land and which gate?” He hears Yixing’s sigh over the phone and the sounds of the airport muffled in the background as he answers his time of arrival and where he’ll be.

“Thank you. I’m sorry, I’ll buy you a drink or something.” Jongdae smiles, but then remembers Yixing can’t see it.

“Okay. I’ll see you soon.”

~*~

They were only thirteen when Yixing got his first girlfriend, and it was only two months later when they broke up. She dumped him, said she started liking someone else.

“You were only dating for two months.” Jongdae was at a loss for words, out of his league. He thought Baekhyun might’ve known how to make him feel better about this. Baekhyun always made people feel better and knew how to make someone laugh even when they didn’t want to. But Baekhyun wasn’t around, only Jongdae.

 

“I really liked her! And she didn’t like me at all, I… I thought she did. She acted like she did.” He wasn’t paying attention to their video game and kept sabotaging the task. Jongdae huffed in frustration, he couldn’t understand why he was so upset. They were only thirteen, they didn’t need to be caring about girls. Why does everyone care about girlfriends?

_“You will soon, Jongdae. Everyone does at some point.”  
“I guess.”_

But Jongdae’s insides churned at the idea that parts of him were ‘missing’ and that someone was out there waiting to fill in the cracks. He felt completely whole with his friends by his side.

They’re sixteen Jongdae when had his first kiss with a girl in their year, Joohyun, and he felt like he finally knew what everyone is talking about. He loved kissing Joohyun. It was fun, a new way to get to know someone. When he asked if she wanted to be his girlfriend and she said yes. She liked going to get smoothies after school, even though Jongdae didn’t find it particularly fun. He never liked the way she tried to hold his hand when they were in public, or the way she looked at him with such intensity.

But he did it because he liked the way her hair smelled and the way she scrunched her eyebrows together when she was thinking about something unpleasant. He enjoyed the feeling of her chest pressing against his when they hugged (Baekhyun laughed and called him a perv when he said that). He liked the way she would always kiss the corner of his kitten mouth with finality after they’ve been making out for a while, saying, “I think I should go home now,” with a blush that Jongdae always thought was cute.

Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Yixing were also excited for him. “Our Jongdae! We knew you’d catch up.” He never found those remarks particularly funny, but he kept his own comments to himself. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t care about dating the way Yixing or Chanyeol did, but he didn’t care. He wished everyone else didn’t care either.

Joohyun broke up with Jongdae a few months after they officially started dating. Jongdae wasn’t devastated like when Yixing was dumped and that was the most concerning part for him.

Joohyun said she needed to spend more time on school and her studies. Jongdae noticed how she looked like she was about to cry, and he didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sad, so why was she on the verge of tears? _Isn’t she the one breaking up with me?_

He nodded his head in acceptance, and told her it was fine. When she asked if he’s mad at her he responded truthfully, “No, I’m not. It’s okay.”

It had been a week when his friends asked how she was and he forgot he never told them. “What do you mean you broke up?” Chanyeol’s voice was deep, it changed last spring, and was laced with surprise.

Jongdae shrugged, he didn’t know why everyone was staring at him like … like he should have been more upset. “We broke up? Well, actually she broke up with me.” After they asked a few more questions (“What do you mean you’re not upset?” “Who needs to study that hard anyway”) they left Jongdae alone.

Three weeks after Jongdae and Joohyun broke things off Jongdae was on his way home from the comic book shop with Yixing debating about the antagonist in their new comics. They walked into the smoothie shop and saw Joohyun and a guy in the year above them sharing a smoothie, their eyes locked onto each other. Jongdae noticed Joohyun looking at the other guy the way she looked at Jongdae, but it was somehow even more intense viewing it from afar. He wasn’t sure he would’ve liked being looked at like that. There was something too fierce and intimate that turned Jongdae’s attention away and made him feel sick.

He was shocked, but not upset. Joohyun saw him and her eyes went wide, she whispered something to the guy she was with and approached Jongdae and Yixing warily.

“Hi Yixing, Jongdae.” Her head was held down, as if she was embarrassed, or maybe ashamed. Jongdae wasn’t sure. Either way he didn’t want her to feel bad, he wasn’t unsettled by seeing her with someone else, though he felt that based on the way she wasn’t looking at him, and the way Yixing didn’t even say hello back to her, that maybe he should be reacting differently. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

Yixing excused himself and took the opportunity to order his drink. Jongdae stood there awkwardly, seeing that over Joohyun’s shoulder the guy she was clearly on a date with was watching this interaction with his utmost attention. Jongdae wanted this to go by as quickly as possible.

“I met him at a night school where I was studying. He’s really nice, and we have a lot in common.”

“That’s good,” He smiled politely.

“You’re really nice Jongdae, but I realized when I went on a date with someone else that you probably didn’t actually like me.” That confused Jongdae. He frowned at that, because why would she think he didn’t like her?

“Of course I liked you.”

“I don’t think we liked each other in the same way.” She smiled at him sadly, like he should know what she was implying. He didn’t. He felt as if he were being scrutinized, he crossed his arms over his chest, unsure what to say. “I’m sorry. We weren’t dating for very long, so don’t be upset. I’ll see you at school? Maybe?” Joohyun started shifting herself away from him, and he let her.

“Yeah, sure.”

After she walked away he went and met Yixing by the counter, while he waited for his drink. “I don’t feel like hanging out here,” Yixing said, “wanna just walk to the park down by my place or something? It’s nice out.”

“Okay.”

The employee put down two drinks, and told Yixing and Jongdae to have a nice day. Yixing handed Jongdae’s usual to him and started walking them out the door. Once they left Yixing waited a moment before he took a deep breath, as if he was about to start talking, and exhaled slowly.

“I can’t believe she dumped you and started dating someone like, the next day.” Jongdae was shocked Yixing seemed agitated by this.

“I’m not really upset, to be honest,” Jongdae sipped his drink slowly, allowing himself a pause in the conversation before he continued, “It wasn’t the next day, it’s almost been a month. She seemed like she liked him a lot more than me anyway.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?”

“It’s not like she cheated on me. Look, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s not a big deal. We broke up, she has a new boyfriend. I’m fine. It’s not like we were going to be together forever.”

Yixing sighed at that comment, like Jongdae figured he would, “I don’t get why you’re such a cynic about love.”

Jongdae shoved Yixing playfully, trying to lighten the mood, “And I don’t get why you’re such a romantic, but you’re still my best friend.”

~*~

Jongdae pulls up and puts his hand-me-down car in park and sees Yixing waiting near a set of automatic doors looking at his phone. His hair is longer than it was the last time he saw him, but it’s been a while, and it still looks good. Yixing looks good.

He gets out of the car and calls for Yixing, who looks up and smiles and Jongdae’s pulse is racing because he’s missed his best friend more than he realized in the time they’ve been apart and in the time they haven’t really talked.

“Xing, you look good!” Yixing smiles, but it seems strained. Jongdae doesn’t let himself dwell on it. They share a hug, short and tense, before he grabs Yixing’s duffle and throws it over his shoulder before he can stop him. “How are you?”

“Exhausted, I didn’t sleep much last night.” As if on cue he yawns, and Jongdae can see the bags under his eyes from lack of sleep.

“Still not good with flying?”

“Still not good with flying.” He yawns again, exhaustion becoming more and more evident when Jongdae takes a good look at his friend.

“Well, you can sleep on the drive. I won’t mind. Am I taking you to Luhan and Minseok’s or —?” He puts Yixing’s bags in the back of his car that he hastily cleaned before driving over, leaving the question hanging.

“Yes, until the person in my apartment is gone. Which is only a few days.”

“That’s good, let me know if you need help moving your things over. Is this all you brought?” Jongdae gestures to the things as he closes the trunk and back doors. He gets back into the drivers seat and waits until Yixing buckles himself in before putting the car in drive.

“Yeah, but I left a lot of my things there for the other person to use, and because I couldn’t bring it all back to China. And I knew I was coming back.” Jongdae merges onto the highway towards the city.

“You stayed longer than you were going to.”

“I did. I missed it there. I think it was good for me.”

Jongdae merges onto the freeway, taking in Yixing’s words and finding some hidden meaning. It’s possible — but Jongdae shouldn’t read into things too deeply. “We’re glad you’re back.”

“Thanks.”

It’s silent for a moment before he looks over and see’s Yixing staring out the window. Jongdae turns the radio on, some pop hit is playing and he knows it’s better than the silence that borders on uncomfortable permeating through the car.

~*~

_“I hear… Awakeness in your voice. I hear your feet sliding around under the sheets, and… the voices in your head and…” He flings his arms around my back and presses my chest to his ear, squeezing so tight I hope I’ll burst. “Yup. That’s yours, alright. I hear your heartbeat. All the time.” I can never look at him when he says these kinds of things, so he traces the lines on my palm instead. “Everywhere I go. It’s so soft I almost miss it sometimes. Just the faintest echo, right after mine.” He presses gently into the soft flesh of my hand in time with my heart._

_“You’re full of shit,” I tell him, and he grunts and escapes me for the bathroom leaving me motionless, staring out the window in silent inquiry of the sky. The clouds seem gentle, playing with the sun, but the stickiness of an impending downpour is unmistakable. It’s going to be my favorite kind of summer rain: not gray, but white and gold and powerful. When Iseul comes back, he tastes like mint and sugar. He asks what I’m thinking, and I tell him we should eat._

~*~

In their final year of high school Jongdae was walking through the hallways of their school during after hours. He had a meeting with his Literature teacher regarding what he wanted to do as a career, what he wanted to study in university. It went well. His parents had higher aspirations for him, they wanted him to become a doctor, but he knew that wasn’t what he yearned to do. He had been thinking about getting into journalism.

What he loved doing the most was writing. He didn’t think he had a talent for it, but it was an excuse for Jongdae to write about stories he wanted to read. In his stories no one falls in love.

After reading one of his stories Yixing asked him why that was. He didn’t like people reading his stories, but he trusted Yixing not to make fun of them if he didn’t like them. “I just don’t get why you don’t write about relationships.”

“But I do. I write about friendships, and brotherhood.”

Yixing clarified, “Why don’t you write about love?”

“When people write about love, they write about romance. Can’t do that when you’ve never felt it.”

His teacher said with the right exam scores he had a good chance to do well. Jongdae was buzzing. He thought about Joohyun and her studies, she was right. This is more important, even if she got sidetracked.

He headed towards an exit that led him closer towards the station that would take him home. He passed a large indoor stairwell with an alcove that wasn’t frequently used when he thought he heard mumbled voices. More specifically, he thought he heard Yixing.

Unaware of what he was interrupting, and excited to share the news his teacher gave him, he went into the stairwell to see that it was Yixing. His back was to him but Jongdae knew it was him. But he wasn’t alone. He was kissing someone, really kissing them. His face grew hot, he knew he should just turn and walk away, embarrass him about it later when he got home by messaging him suggestive things, but he couldn’t move. He was frozen on the spot. He couldn’t stop staring at how in-control Yixing was, and how the girl he was kissing was making high pitched moans in response, hands underneath his shirt sliding up and down his sides.

It was a sensory overload for Jongdae. His stomach had knots and he knew this was violating personal boundaries on multiple levels, but was surprised when Yixing moved from her mouth down to her neck and saw who it was he was kissing, and it wasn’t a girl at all. It was Baekhyun.

Many things ran through Jongdae’s mind about what all of this meant. Baekhyun teased them all the time, he flirted with everyone. It wasn’t a secret that he was into guys. But Jongdae never thought — not Yixing.

It was only a few seconds but Jongdae was in shock and Baekhyun had finally seen Jongdae standing there. His eyes blew up in surprise gasped bewildered, pushing Yixing away.

“Jongdae it’s not what you think.” Baekhyun was fixing his hair and his shirt, and Jongdae couldn’t look away from his swollen lips and their shared disheveled state.

“To be honest I’m not sure what to think.” Jongdae was convinced they could hear how hard his heart was beating from the other side of the stairwell. All of their faces were red, all of them were embarrassed.

“I’m just gonna go home. I’ll see you guys tomorrow?” Jongdae’s voice was pitchy, and he rushed away. He was thankful neither of them came after him to explain themselves. He was still processing what he saw. Two of his best friends making out. Two of his best friends, who were guys, making out.

Jongdae had spent his entire trip home thinking about what all of it meant; Yixing and Baekhyun making out. How much he enjoyed watching it. He finds masculinity attractive, and thought it was just out of appreciation of guys who took care of themselves, but maybe not. He’s unsure after this though, he thought it might mean something more. Yixing and Baekhyun looked **good** kissing.

He told himself he shouldn’t surprised at this realization, he wrote about two guys kissing once in one of his stories (a story he didn’t dare share with Yixing) but he was also surprised by how much applying this kind of attraction on himself didn’t matter to him.

He still found girls beautiful. He still wanted to kiss girls and explore their bodies as much as he wanted to try kissing boys, and maybe explore their bodies too.

Dinner was uneventful that night, Jongdae didn’t mention meeting with his teacher, and definitely didn’t mention meeting Baekhyun and Yixing in the alcove. He excused himself from dinner, thanked his mother for the delicious meal, and went upstairs to ponder over everything. It was only a few minutes when his cell phone alerted him of a message. It was Yixing.

_can we hangout ?_

_wanna come to mine?_

_i’ll be there soon_

Yixing showed up quickly, and when Jongdae greeted him at the door he looked nervous and on edge. Jongdae knew why, he would have to be dense to not know, but he waited until they were upstairs in his room. Yixing looked so uncomfortable standing there, unsure if he should sit, or stand. Jongdae was nervous that maybe he would just forget about it and leave all together. Jongdae decided to take the initiative and he turned on his game console and handed Yixing a controller.

“Wanna play?” Yixing smiled shyly and took the controller from Jongdae before he sat on the ground and away from him.

After two rounds Yixing was losing terribly. Usually they were pretty even when it came to this particular game, so Jongdae knew he was distracted. He was trying to think of what to say, if he should bring up what he saw earlier when Yixing paused the game and spoke,

“Jongdae I’m —“

“It’s okay that you’re gay, Xing.” There was silence. The sound from the video game became the most prominent sound in the room, and Jongdae couldn’t take his attention away from it. He saw Yixing shuffle on the ground out of his peripheral and looked down to see Yixing looking back up at him.

“No. That’s — I’m not gay.”

“But I saw you.”

“That doesn’t meant I’m…” Yixing started, he was blushing and Jongdae didn’t know what to do. He was never good with words, with emotions. Yixing took a breath before he continued, looking away from Jongdae, “I like girls. I really like them. But I wanted — I was curious to kiss Baekhyun too.”

“Curious to kiss a guy or to kiss… Baekhyun? Our Baekhyun?” Yixing hid his face in his hands, his voice became muffled when he spoke.

“I don’t know, I’ve never really wanted to kiss a guy before, but Baekhyun said I could try. I don’t know what it means. I’m really confused.” His voice broke at the end. Jongdae’s heart lurched for his best friend, and he got off the bed and sat next to Yixing on the floor cross legged, and put his arm around him.

“It’s okay. I get it.”

“Do you?” Yixing spat out. Jongdae felt the hostility and didn’t know what to do. Yixing wasn’t pushing him away, but he was clearly upset. “You don’t really get a lot of things when it comes to other people.”

A piece of Jongdae’s stomach dropped, a rock that had been lodged in his chest and found a home in his gut.

“It’s… that’s not true, ge.”

“You don’t _like like_ girls. Or you do, but you never want to be their boyfriend. You talk about how much you love their bodies but not about their hearts.”

“Oh my god, Xing,” he felt the rock in his gut getting heavier and heavier. They’ve had conversations like this before; about love and commitment. “I care about people, okay? I have the ability to love. I care about you, I care about Baekhyun and Chanyeol. I love my mother and I love my hyung. I just don’t like… being confined with a single person.” Jongdae’s arm moved from across Yixing’s shoulders before he settled his hand in the center of his shoulder blades, where he rubbed soothingly. “And I like girls, but they’re just… I can’t be emotionally committed like them. I don’t know. Can we stop talking about this? Those relationships make me queasy.” His stomach was still heavy, and his heart wouldn’t stop beating. He would never talk about these things so deeply before, but he would if it meant Yixing knew he was serious.

Yixing took a deep breath and sighed, he lifted his head up out of his hands and looked forward at the tv where the video game was still paused, the music playing on a loop.

“Yeah. I just didn’t want you to think… I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. That we’re still okay. Still friends.”

Jongdae knew this was this perfect time to confess that he was confused too, that it was more than okay. He wanted to tell him that he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it because he might be curious about the same things; that maybe he was fawning after his older classmates and it was less about how he wanted to be them and more about looking at them.

“Yixing, of course. We’re really different sometimes but…” This was it, Jongdae told himself. He was going to open himself up the same way Yixing did, “we also have a lot in common.” He stopped rubbing his back and moved his arm back around his shoulder before nudging him with his body to the side, to try and emphasize the point.

There. He said it without so many words. It was much harder than expressing himself physically; playfully and affectionately. He always felt like he could comfort someone bodily, with a hug or by rubbing their back like he had done for Yixing. He could show affection through touch, he could show people he cared that way, it was just hard for him to do it verbally. Words seemed so much more vulnerable than anything else.

“You…?” Yixing trailed off, he left the question hanging. Jongdae just smiled at him as a response.

“Me. Even though _I’m_ not the one who made out with Baekhyun.”

Yixing blushed a bright red color before he scooted away from Jongdae, covering his face once again in embarrassment. “Don’t tell him, but the noises he makes are a little weird. And he uses too much tongue.”

Jongdae thought that was amazing.

~*~

Jongdae drives Yixing to Luhan’s while he sleeps in the passenger seat. This is fine with Jongdae. He has a lot on his mind right now: the deadline for his story, the way everyone in Seoul can’t drive today, and the fact that he hasn’t had a deep conversation with his best friend in months and yet he’s right next to him, sleeping in the passenger seat of his car.

He helps him bring his bags up to Luhan’s, and when Minseok opens the door he declines the invitation to come in.

“I’m on a deadline,” he explains, and Minseok nods in understanding. He knows all about Jongdae’s deadlines, they were in the same program during university. It’s where they met and became friends. He leaves with a wave and Yixing thanks him again for picking him up at the airport.

“Of course, always.”

He drives back with the music turned off and the windows rolled down. It’s chilly, but he likes the way it makes him alert. He thinks about where his story is going to go next. Seeing Minseok always makes him think about university.

~*~

_He makes breakfast and I do what he tells me. It’s a wonder how well we work. When Iseul is in my apartment, it runs like a machine. I hear the satisfying whirrs and clicks of greasy cogs and belts as he surprises me with his arms around my waist. When he’s gone I’m still a part of it; I think I always will be. It must be lonely for the cuckoo bird, alone amongst the machinery for fifty-nine minutes out of every hour._

_My bare feet savor the softness of the cheap carpet as I carry myself to Iseul in that nook of a kitchen. There’s barely room there for two bodies. I lean back against the counter to admire the twirling embrace of Iseul and the steam of breakfast. Suddenly, in spite of myself, I’m distinctly aware of the blood-rush pulsing against my skin._

_“God, I’m lucky to have you here,” I cluck like a goon. “Me and this apartment both are lucky, lucky, lucky.”_

_He gives me a dragon grin, and I decide he’s uniquely charming. But the moment is brief as it is rare—my pulse quickly subsides to the room’s beige hum, and my body feels powerless once more. I feel guilty getting so much from him, but he refuses to say that it’s a problem, and there’s always the chance if I am delusional enough, I can convince myself I know what love is._

He’s getting closer. It’s not going to be a long piece, but he still is struggling to convey what he wants, to get his thoughts typed out in a way he likes and in a way he knows his editor wants them to be. Writing is difficult for Jongdae, but it got easier when Jongdae realized he could hide behind the paper and simply say, ‘No these characters are purely fictional.’ when he knows that he’s the only one who knows that his stories are drawn from real emotions he feels and experiences he’s had. The ability to express himself didn’t show up after he graduated university, and that wasn't very long ago. It’s still a process.

 

It’s Friday night and it’s been two days since Yixing has arrived back to Seoul and it’s also been two days since Jongdae has talked to him. But tonight is the group dinner; Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Luhan, and Minseok will be there.

Jongdae decides to take the train instead of driving, he knows he’s going to be drinking tonight. And getting his car the next day is always a pain. He shows up to find Baekhyun already there, nursing a drink of his own.

“I can’t believe you’re the first one here,” Jongdae greets him as he takes off his coat and slides into the middle of the round booth with Baekhyun, “Usually it’s me, or Minseok-hyung.”

“When are you going to realize that I am full of surprises?” Baekhyun smiles sweetly at him and Jongdae pushes his face away.

“So annoying!” Jongdae exclaims, but he’s also laughing, and so is Baekhyun.

“Have you talked to Yixing?” Baekhyun asks casually, but the way he avoids Jongdae’s eyes says much more.

Jongdae also avoids Baekhyun’s eyes, “No. Not yet.”

Everyone else shows up quickly after that. Jongdae is in-between Baekhyun and Minseok while Chanyeol and Yixing are sat at the ends of the booth with Luhan in-between Minseok and Yixing. There’s a lot of conversation, a lot of beer, and a lot of food. Yixing and Luhan say something to the other in Mandarin every once in a while. Sharing inside jokes that none of them can barge in on.

Yixing tells stories of his friends from China, of his friend who looks more intimidating than he actually is, who likes fashion and wushu. Chanyeol talks about the _funniest thing that happened at work I promise it’s amazing._ Jongdae takes it all in, normally loud, but happy to experience the night more than contribute to it.

Jongdae drinks several beers, becoming warm on the inside and so happy to be with his friends. He isn’t sure which glass he is on when he realizes his face is hot, and he’s drunker than he intended on being, so he switches to water.

He rests his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder, who continues talking to Chanyeol while he indulges Jongdae by running his hand through his hair. Jongdae loves the way it feels, he purrs for it.

“Someone’s had a lot to drink, huh?” Chanyeol asks condescendingly. Jongdae whines, his eyes closed and he head still on Baekhyun’s shoulder, but he’s feeling even more needy. He wants to be touched. He wants to be coddled. “Leave me alone, Chanyeol.”

“I think it’s time someone went to bed.” that came from Luhan. Jongdae sat up from Baekhyun’s shoulder and expressed his desire for wanting to sleep.

“That sounds so nice~” Jongdae sang out. They squared away the bill quickly and started parting ways. Jongdae was still extremely drunk, but at least he could walk. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were headed in one way, Luhan, Minseok, and Yixing in another. Jongdae was left to go home alone, the same way he arrived to dinner. They said goodbyes and watched Chanyeol and Baekhyun off.

“Ge, keep me company.” He pleaded. Luhan laughed and responded,

“No way, I want my own bed.”

“I wasn’t talking about you,” Jongdae responded, and turned his attention to Yixing, so there wouldn’t be any confusion this time. “Yixing, do you want to come with me? I promise I’ll behave.”

“Jesus…” Luhan mumbled under his breath while Minseok just sighed deeply. Yixing kept quiet.

“Do whatever you want, Xing.” It was Minseok talking. Jongdae didn’t understand why everyone was so quiet. Even with the sound of the city everything seemed quiet when he was waiting to hear what Yixing would say.

“I promise I’ll be good. I’m not going to fuck up.”

“Okay, let’s go. I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he said to Minseok and Luhan. “Come on, Jongdae. Let’s get you home.”

~*~  
It’s their second year of university when Jongdae disclosed how many people he’s slept with to Yixing. He didn’t think it was a big deal, but Yixing did.

“I can’t believe you’ve had sex with more guys than girls. I thought you were into girls more?” Jongdae just shrugged in response to that. He didn’t think that Yixing would get it, that for him being with guys was just easier than being with girls if he wanted to keep the chance of someone developing feelings out of it. That there was an understanding with a lot of guys that what they had wasn’t permanent, and just fun.

Occasionally Jongdae had come across someone who said they wanted something casual, but ended up developing feelings; like Junmyeon. He ended those quickly, save them the ‘heartbreak.’

“It just kind of happened, I guess.”

“But you’re not actually dating anyone?” he asked.

“No, I’m not.”

“I still don’t get that.” Yixing breathed out, Jongdae let him think about it more. He wasn’t sure how many times he was going to have to explain that he didn’t see his feelings changing about this. That unlike Yixing, he didn’t understand the pull other people felt when they wanted to be in a relationship with someone. The need to date and be loved romantically.

He doesn’t understand that definition of love.

For Jongdae, love on the outside was so simple, but what does it mean when you go further? He doesn’t know. He was told constantly throughout university by people he was seeing that he was afraid of commitment. Constantly sending out mixed messages and leading people on. But he’s always the one that would say he wants something with no strings, and when people would agree and then eventually developed feelings they blamed it on him. It was harsh, and it stung. Was he really that different?

He remembers when one of the people he was sleeping with got mad at him for not wanting to commit, “Don’t you want to find someone? Do you want to be single forever?” and Jongdae didn’t have a reason at the time.

There were nights when they would go out drinking and Jongdae would protest that he could never make his way home and Yixing would always be the one to make sure he was safe. In truth, Jongdae could have made it home if he tried, but he loved being cared for, especially when he had been drinking.

These were the nights when Jongdae didn’t want to sleep alone, when he was sharing his bed with Yixing, riding off the booze and the club music a few months before they were supposed to graduate; this is when he found the words. The things that could be said in the quiet of the night, when Jongdae had too much to drink and needed help getting home. These were the moments he would lose some of his control and let his guard down, and feel like he could be vulnerable; but only with Yixing.

“It’s not that I care about being single, because I don’t. I really don’t care if I’m single for the rest of my life. I just don’t want to be lonely and alone.”

Jongdae could feel the bed shift as Yixing turned to face him in the dark. Yixing’s voice was reassuring and strong, “You won’t be alone, even if you don’t want to get married you’ll always have me, Chanyeol, and Baekhyun. Minseok-hyung and Lu-ge too.”

Jongdae shoved Yixing with his elbow playfully, “I know.”

Time passed slowly, Jongdae was lying in bed staring up at his ceiling, waiting for the room to stop spinning and for sleep to finally come. He was nearly there when suddenly, Yixing’s voice breached the silence, “Jongdae?” and his voice was barely above a whisper.

“Hm,” Now that Jongdae was at last close to falling asleep he was struggling to stay awake, his eyes heavy, so comfortable, and so warm curled up on the bed next to Yixing. “What happens if you fall in love with someone and they don’t love you back?”

Jongdae let out a soft whine, “Not possible, apparently everyone loves me even if I don’t want them to.”

“Jongdae, pretend.”

“Well, it’s easy — you walk away from them and move on.”

Jongdae felt Yixing exhale next to him, as if he had been holding his breath, “Ah.”

“Xing, who do you have those kinds of feelings for anyway?” Jongdae shifted, turning so his back was facing Yixing.

“No one. It was hypothetical.” It felt like there was a something crawling into Jongdae’s stomach, burrowing its way in and eating away at his insides. He made himself believe it was from the alcohol.

~*~

_I know that Iseul loves Thai food, and he misses his baby sister. I know he’s bored by novels, and doesn’t know why. I know that sometimes he shoplifts, and knows exactly why. I know everything about him, so he says. But the knowledge that I’ve gathered all year long seems like a fairytale. Like study cards I made but never understood._

_I wonder if I do know everything. I wonder how he spends his nights outside of my apartment. Is he really where he says he is? Is he doing what I think? Is he the same man then that he is with me? I couldn’t say, anymore than the cuckoo bird knows the people he glimpses one minute out of every hour, before he’s sucked back into darkness and his doors clap shut. Curiosity does the cuckoo bird no good; nor does it do me, nor Iseul._

_I often wonder if Iseul wonders the same things. Am I the same when we’re apart? If I had to guess, I’d guess that Iseul doesn’t have to wonder. As far as I can tell, wondering is strictly mine, and Iseul’s strength is knowing._

~*~

“Jongdae, we’re here. Where is your key?” Jongdae shuffles to pull his keys out of his pocket, almost dropping them to the ground. Everything surrounding Jongdae is heightened, the pungent smell of the litter box for the cat next door, the emptiness of the hallway and the way the door to his apartment creaks as Yixing pushes it open. The brightness of the lights as Yixing flicks them on, so patient as he helps Jongdae into his own home and advises him to take off his shoes.

“You’re supposed to sober up on the trip back, not get more drunk.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Let’s get some water.”

Yixing nurses Jongdae and makes sure he brushes his teeth, even as he whines to through it. Another few sips of water.

“I can’t believe I’m so drunk, I’m sorry. You always take care of me when I’m drunk.” Yixing covers him in his blanket and sighs,

“Don’t apologize. Tonight was about welcoming me back to Seoul. I’m glad everyone had fun.”

Jongdae whines, and even he knows it’s becoming too much, “We didn’t even get to talk.”

Yixing keeps silent as he shuttles Jongdae into a bed that is too big for one person. Someone drives past the apartment building with their music blaring and Jongdae can hear the bass of a song he would hear in a club. Jongdae can hear everything around him. He hears the sounds of everything going on outside and below; the group of guys laughing while they smoke cigarettes, tires banging on the pothole that keeps getting larger, but he can barely hear Yixing who is only a few feet away from him, and Jongdae is desperate to make sure he hears this over everything else.

“Yes we did, we were at dinner and we talked with everyone.”

“But we didn’t _talk,_ ” the emphasis can’t be missed, Jongdae sits himself up in bed, and Yixing would stop him but he doesn’t know what to do, Jongdae can tell he doesn’t want to talk, but he’s drunk, and talking seems like a great idea when he’s drunk. His walls are down when he’s drunk. “I’ve missed you a lot.”

“Jongdae,” his voice is so small, his accent still noticeable, and Jongdae needs him to know that he means it when he says he missed him.

“I swear. I promise.”

“I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

“But I want to talk with you.”

“Why is it that you only feel like talking to me when I don’t want to talk?” He doesn’t yell, but there is finality in his tone as Yixing turns and walks out of the door, his footsteps leaving quiet traces of his departure and Jongdae can’t sleep after that. His mind spins in chaotic thoughts and questions he can’t answer, because in the darkness of his room with the pounding of his own head being the loudest thing he hears, he can’t stop himself from thinking about how he hasn’t been a good friend for Yixing in a long time.

~*~

_A thunderclap, louder than anything, right on top of us. I feel it vibrate in my chest, and in Iseul's, pressed against me. As we fuck, I switch my focus between Iseul and the thunder, unable to feel them both at the same time. After, I lay beside him, pressing hot against his chest. I let myself float, my body abandoned like a tumorous part of his. “Love,” I want to scream out, “love love love," as if that could diminish the meaning._

_Iseul feels my mind pulling against its tethers. He squeezes the arm that’s around my shoulder and brings the other, hanging off the couch, to my face, resting thumb and forefinger on my jaw. He says nothing. I almost change my mind._

_“I don’t want you to go,” and I do mean it. “But, it’s almost two o’clock; you’re running out of time.”_

_“Okay.”_

_I kiss him hard._

_“Okay. I gotta go.”_

~*~

Jongdae found Yixing in one of the public basketball courts by his apartment practicing his free throws. It was cold out, too cold to be practicing outside. Jongdae’s ears hurt with the chill and feels the cold seep through him. He watched Yixing for a only a few moments before he let Yixing know he was here.

“Relax! You’re too stiff!” Jongdae called out, surprising his friend and the ball ricocheted off the edge of the rim, bounced to the other side of the court. Yixing’s nose was red, and so were his eyes. Jongdae only came to talk to Yixing because he knew he was supposed to be somewhere else. With someone else.

Jongdae handed him a tissue from the small pack he always kept on him. “It’s too cold out, you’re going to get sick again.” Yixing took the tissue, but stared at Jongdae with apprehension. Jongdae felt it, being watched and scrutinized by Yixing, but he looked away feigning a mask of indifference.

Yixing rubbed his nose with the tissue. “Thanks.”

“Yeah.” Yixing walked across the court to get the basketball, Jongdae stayed where he was, hands in his coat pockets with his hand warmers to keep them from the cold. It was quiet and Jongdae watched his breath form as he exhaled.

“Xing, remember when we were kids and would pretend we were dragons?”

Yixing smirked as he watched Jongdae exhale, his breath forming into a small cloud that disappeared as quickly as it materialized. “And trains.”

“And smoking.” Jongdae dropped his jaw and formed his mouth into an ‘O’ shape and exhaled, mimicking the motions of blowing smoke rings. Jongdae studied Yixing dribble the basket ball in place, wishing he had something like a cigarette that could calm him down. “Do you want to be alone?”

Yixing hesitated. “No.”

“What happened?”

“I was stood up. Just… I should be used to it by now.”

Jongdae leaned against the metal fence, tilted his head upwards, and shoved his hands deeper in his pockets. There was a moment that passed where they both collected their thoughts and the only sound Jongdae could register was the _thunk thunk thunk_ of the basketball against the black top. He sighed.

“What an asshole.”

“Like you’d know.”

Jongdae pushed himself off the fence which rattled in time with the steps he took to go and snatch the basketball from Yixing. He held it under one arm, his nose started to burn from the chill.

“If you promised to meet me for a concert and stood me up I’d be pissed. I get it.”

Yixing scoffed, Jongdae furrowed his brows together, it wasn’t an attractive sound. “That’s not the same. I’m not - we’re not dating.”

Yixing’s cheeks turned pink and he looked away from Jongdae, embarrassed. Jongdae tossed him the basketball, Yixing reflexively caught it just before it would’ve gotten away. “I don’t like relationships. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about people.”

Jongdae became constantly on edge. He started going out more, laughing louder and more frequently. He would be about to burn out, needing to step away and excuse himself as he feigned needing the bathroom or an emergency called him away. He began to grasp onto happiness as if it were delicate enough to be shattered by the slightest touch. He no longer felt strong or in control of anything, except when he was fucking someone — so he fucked often.

And it was rewarding, but only for a little while.

Not all of them stayed to see what Jongdae’s apartment looked like as the light streamed through the blinds, highlighting the stains on the carpet. The ones that did, the ones that clung to the memories of the night, they frightened him. Here was his chance to prove that he could love.

He would make them tea and offer them breakfast. But he wished the warmth of the tea would melt his bones. He wished he was somewhere else, or at least with someone who mattered. None of these people mattered. All of it was a charade to prove something he didn’t want, didn’t feel.

He told himself, _my love isn’t real._

~*~

“So what if we die?” Jongdae screamed from across the street. “We just have to make sure we don’t hesitate.” He was gliding across the pavement, still warm from the crowded club and the sickly-sweet drinks that hurt his teeth.

They finished university. Yixing was going back to China to visit his family. He was only supposed to stay for a month, but a month seemed like forever when you’ve spent most of your lives together.

Yixing snorted and teased, claiming that Jongdae was drunk, before his own self-awareness settled in and he swore, “Fuck, so am I.”

Jongdae leapt onto the asphalt like a man in battle. He could feel his body shake with the pounding of his feet against the concrete, but he felt as if he could float above the headlights that rushed passed him. He was more than warm. Being with Yixing was like meeting the sun, looking down on it all.

A voice in Jongdae’s head told him he was being ridiculous, the way he was acting. “I’m really hungry. Are you hungry?”

Yixing grinned and answered he could eat.

They crossed the street and found a food cart and talked with their mouths full. It was real and unreal, effortlessly momentous. This part of the night has a bright glow in Jongdae’s memory: a fairytale. Jongdae felt like he could feel everything, turn into anything he wanted. But what really happened is a mystery; although Jongdae can see Yixing smile coyly past his drink, he doesn’t remember what they talked about. He wishes he could remember what they talked about.

There are things Jongdae doesn’t remember that night because he was too drunk to recall, but then there are things that Jongdae wishes he could forget.  Things that make him want to swallow himself up whole, that he wants to take back because he couldn’t envision the repercussions following it.

The things he wishes he could forget are the things that play on loop when he is down on himself, when he is having a bad day and needs to find solace in someone he trusts, and he has no one to turn to because he pushed away the one person that mattered.

After the food truck Jongdae and Yixing took a cab back to Jongdae’s dinky apartment, their stomachs heavy with food and alcohol. Jongdae kept himself close to Yixing during the ride, he can’t tell if he imagined feeling the heat in the space between their thighs, or if it really existed. He recalls giving the driver money and exiting the car before he could get his change, having Yixing follow him up the stairs singing a ballad softly in Mandarin.

He’s close to sober now, he just needs water. When they enter his apartment he immediately heads for the kitchen, flicking the lights on and running the water from the sink, drinking directly from the spout.

Yixing pulled him away from the sink.  “Get a glass.” 

Jongdae laughed, “Do you really think any of them are clean?”

“I would hope you do the dishes every once in a while.”  Yixing hadn’t let go of Jongdae’s shoulder, and with his throat still dry, he leans into Yixing's touch.

“Maybe one of these days.”

Yixing smiled ruefully, “Are you ever going to take care of yourself, of am I always going to have to come over and make sure you haven’t caught yourself on fire?”

“Even if I become completely self-sufficient I’ll still leave a couple dishes for you to take care of.” Jongdae said, smirking in response to his own cheekiness.

Suddenly Yixing pulled Jongdae into him and wrapped his arms around him. He buried his face into Jongdae’s shoulder, muffling his voice.  “I’m gonna miss you while I’m in China.”

Jongdae wasn't prepared for the change in atmosphere. Still not good at expressing his feelings with words. Words are more vulnerable than touches, but some things shouldn’t be implied with touches. Jongdae felt warm with arms around him, being touched and safe. He always felt safe with Yixing.

His arms were pinned under Yixing’s, all he could do was press his palm against his lower back and rest his head against his. “I know.”

He dropped his arms slowly, pushing him back placing them on Jongdae’s shoulders instead. Jongdae noticed the bags under his eyes and he missed the warmth of his arms. “Sometimes I wonder if you do.”

Jongdae furrowed his eyebrows, what was Yixing trying to imply? “Of course I do.”

He steadied his hands on Yixing’s waist, while Yixing’s gravitated his hands towards the nape of Jongdae’s neck, brushing his fingers through the short hair. “I..”

“Yixing?”

Jongdae looked to him, his eyes were blown out and Jongdae could feel that every bit of him being touched by Yixing was burning. His face dropped, voice low in admittance and defeat. “I’m going to miss you.”

He looked so so beautiful, and so so sad. Yixing has always been attractive to Jongdae, even in his worst moments. And whenever Jongdae witnessed his sadness his heart would reach out trying to soothe the despair he felt. Jongdae tried to think of what he could say that would make that expression go away. Never knew what to say, never knew how to protect the people he cared about. All he could do was make him feel better, make him feel good.

He gripped his waist harder, but gently pulled him closer so their bodies were touching, and kissed him on the corner of his mouth. A noise from the back of Yixing’s throat pulled Jongdae back in.

He kissed him again, gliding his mouth across his cheeks until he reached his ear. “Let me know if this is crossing a line.”

“No,” Yixing breathed out, his words getting stuck in his chest, “this is okay.”

Jongdae put his mouth back on Yixing’s neck, leaving small kisses that trailed down his throat.  He could trust Yixing to take this without meaning.

Yixing hummed in approval, the sound and the vibrations creating an incentive for Jongdae to continue and intensify his efforts.  He switched to Yixing’s mouth, sucked and nibbled gently on Yixing’s plump lower lip and guided him backwards through his tiny apartment until they reached the entrance of his bedroom. His hands, still resting on Yixing’s waist, travelled lower until the found the hem of the fabric. He lifted up, sliding his hands against the planes of his abs, dragging his fingers across his back, slowly raising the shirt with his hands. Yixing followed the prompt, breaking their mouths to remove his shirt completely.

They helped each other undress, taking their time while exploring with hands and mouths. It was territory they both knew, but never explored. When they are just standing in their underwear Yixing grabs the elastic of Jongdae’s briefs and hooks his fingers in. Jongdae moved his hands to grab Yixing’s. 

“No,” his voice was stern, he moved their hands away from his waist. He looked at Yixing, his pupils blown wide with lust and lips already swollen. He motioned for Yixing to move backwards again, “Bed.”

Jongdae pressed his lips to Yixing’s chest, guiding him down until they were completely on the bed. Jongdae’s body hovered over Yixing’s own as Yixing anchored himself while grabbing onto Jongdae’s arms. Jongdae was half hard, his hips paralleled to Yixing’s. “What do you want?”

“Anything.”

Jongdae exhaled as he swiftly rolled his hips downward, his chest moved against Yixing’s, as he used his whole body in his movements. Yixing was _hard_ and that gave Jongdae chills and the drive to continue.

Jongdae continued to grind into Yixing until he was fully hard. He kept his mouth busy by leaving marks on Yixing’s neck. The breathy moans that escaped Yixing’s mouth only spurred Jongdae forward. He moved from his neck to his mouth, catching those breathy moans that came from the back of his throat. Jongdae bit his lower lip, pulling. The moan Yixing let out was lower, longer, and Jongdae growled in response, kissing him and then sucking on his tongue, swallowing the moans as he maintained his tempo and continued to grind down into Yixing.

He pulled away from Yixing’s mouth, sweat was gathering at his brow, they were both breathing deeply and Jongdae sat up. He was so hard, he missed the friction already, but he wanted — needed — to make sure Yixing was taken care of. Needed Yixing to feel better.

He lowered his head and started trailing kisses down his chest, reaching his stomach, and when he reached his underwear he nuzzled his face into Yixing’s clothed cock. “I want to suck you off,” Yixing moaned at the words, hips jerking, throwing his arm over his face, “is that okay?”

“Yes,” Yixing breathed out, “fuck. Please.”

Jongdae laughed softly at his response, mouthed at the cotton covering Yixing’s cock.  He used his hands to hold his hips down as he continued. When Yixing’s whines were becoming higher in pitch Jongdae grabbed the elastic of Yixing's underwear, quickly pulled them down enough to free his leaking cock and wrapped his mouth around the head.  They both moaned at the sensation.

Jongdae worked quickly, using his hand to cover what his mouth couldn’t, removing the rest of Yixing’s underwear completely. His own cock hard and neglected, he twisted his hips into the mattress to relieve the built up tension. “Jongdae, I—“ Jongdae moved his mouth off of him, sitting up and straddling his legs and using his hand to stroke him. He rubbed his thumb across the slit, and with a moan Yixing came.

Jongdae continued to stroke him until he began to go soft. Yixing sat up, grabbed Jongdae’s face and kissed him.  Jongdae couldn’t get out of Yixing’s grasp if he wanted, so he wiped his hand on his own underwear.

Yixing broke their kiss and shifted themselves so he could remove Jongdae’s briefs.  Once Jongdae was naked Yixing moved so he was sitting up against the wall, Jongdae still straddling him. Yixing grabbed his cock and started with slow strokes as Jongdae rolled his hips in time with Yixing.

Yixing quickened his pace as he leaved kisses on Jongdae’s chest.  “Fuck, Xing. Harder.”

He’s was close, and his hips became insistent.  He came, loudly, spilling over Yixing’s fingers and stomach.

Once he softened he got up and grabbed a few tissues for Yixing, and he cleaned him up.

“That was fun,” Jongdae said, tossing the tissues into the trash and finding both of them clean clothes.

Yixing, spent, laid on the mattress and moved the sheets so he was covered, “Yeah. It was interesting.”

Jongdae tossed him a pair of shorts and stalked out of the room naked, clothes in his hands, and went into the bathroom.  He closed the door, turned on the water and splashed his face with cold water as he made sense of what just happened. He quickly dressed himself and returned to his room when Yixing was standing and now dressed. Jongdae could see the apprehension on Yixing’s face and his heart sunk.

The room was warm and Yixing’s skin was glowing. Jongdae grabbed his laptop from his desk.  “Wanna watch something?”

They situated themselves into Jongdae’s bed, the laptop holding the space between them while they watched an older episode of their favorite drama. This was familiar and comfortable. Both of them made remarks on their favorite characters, plot points they still found to be too much and unnecessary. Jongdae would sneak glances at him, the light of the screen being strong enough to make out the outline of his nose and lips. He sees the lines between Yixing’s eyebrows, in such concentration and he thinks back to a conversation they had, not long enough ago that it would be muddled into Jongdae’s memory:

_”What happens if you fall in love with someone and they don’t love you back?”_

_“You walk away from them and move on.”_

And it was selfish, so completely selfish, but Jongdae hoped that Yixing wouldn’t leave.

~*~

Jongdae wakes up to the blare of his phone ringing. He ignores it. He tries to hold onto sleep, but the next thing that catches his attention is the sound of someone coughing in his living room. _Yixing._

He’s alert now.

He lets the heat pool into his face when he remembers how needy he was when Yixing brought him home after dinner, desperate and clawing to have Yixing give him the attention he wants, but doesn’t deserve.

He throws his arm over his eyes, “You’re such an asshole, Kim Jongdae.” He’s still wearing the same clothes from the dinner last night, they reek of meat and beer. Suddenly it becomes too much, the clothes tight across his body and uncomfortable. He undresses under his covers, throwing his shirt across the room and dumping his jeans off the side of his bed. As he lays under his duvet he spreads his body out, wishing his sheets would devour him whole. It’s a feeling he’s been growing accustomed to lately.

He knows that ignoring Yixing isn’t an option. He wants Yixing in his life, he needs his best friend who he has know for half of his life. He gets out of bed and takes small steps across his room, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt to wear.

He finds Yixing sitting up on the couch wide awake and alert. “I have to talk to you about something.” Jongdae isn’t surprised. He knew this was coming, it’s been inevitable.

“Yeah,” Jongdae says, he sits down on the chair a few feet away, giving Yixing his space. His own hands felt cold, his stomach eating away at itself, his head pounding, “I do too.”

“Well,” Yixing says, “I’m going first.” Jongdae watches as Yixing finds his words, wondering if he’s going to kick Jongdae out of his life for being thoughtless and inconsiderate. “I don’t know what happened to us,” he’s playing with his hands and looking out the window, away from Jongdae. “I mean, I do. I — I can’t pinpoint a definitive moment, if I could I would have told myself to stop, but I didn’t and I started —” he takes a deep breath, voice shaking, “started falling in love with you. And, I didn’t realize it at first because, you’re my best friend and I already love you for that, you know?” He’s still wringing his hands. “You were supposed to be my best friend. Fuck, you still are my best friend.”

“Yixing?”

Yixing looks up and him, there are bags under his eyes and Jongdae wonders if he even slept at all. “It was wrong. It felt as if I was ruining our friendship with how I felt. How I feel? I — fuck, I don’t know. And I knew you didn’t… that you don’t…”

“I do,” Jongdae says, “but not the same way.”

“That night I thought, ‘If I just get this out of my system, maybe I can get past this and get over it,'” He licks his lips, gathering his thoughts before he continues, “And I knew that you were just trying to make me feel better, with nothing attached because that’s who you are and it,” he stammers his words out, pushes his hair back and away from his eyes. Jongdae wants to move over to the couch, to rub Yixing’s back like he used to to comfort him, but he knows he can’t do that. “It hurt even more because my feelings were still there, and I fucking knew nothing was going to change and then you said it was a mistake.”

_“I don’t know how that happened.”_  
_“What?”_  
 _“It shouldn’t have happened.”_  
 _“You… regret it?”_  
 _“Yes.”_

“Xing, I’m so fucking sorry. It’s just —“

“It’s impossible for you, I get it.” There’s a bitterness in his voice that Jongdae recognizes, and the guilt makes him wish he could disappear. The guilt is unbearable.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae says, and every muscle in his body feels tense. “I shouldn’t have used the words I did. But I began to suspect your feelings, that they shifted.” Jongdae’s voice is shaky and he takes a deep breath, he’s determined to be clear this time. “I didn’t realize the consequences until after and I was so upset with myself, I tried to comfort you and it backfired for both of us.”

Yixing smiles wanly, “It did, didn’t it?” and Jongdae chuckles in spite of it all.

“The thing is, I can’t imagine not having you in my life.” Jongdae’s heart hammers in his chest, “but the idea of forever isn’t something I want. What the fuck am I supposed to want?”

Yixing sighs, but Jongdae sees that it isn’t out of frustration or anger. He seems emboldened, but Jongdae can’t figure out why. “I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. You want what you want, and maybe you’ll find someone who gets that.” There are chills running down the length of Jongdae’s arms, but he feels warm inside. It’s a good heat.

“You know,” Yixing says, “I’ll get past it completely. My feelings. You’re way too important to me, I couldn’t throw away ten years of friendship because you don’t love me back.”

There’s a ringing in Jongdae’s ears. For the first time in what feels like years, the weight in Jongdae’s stomach is starting to feel lighter. “Yixing, I’m glad you’re back from China. I really did miss you.”

Yixing smiles, and Jongdae sees it reach his eyes, “I missed you too.”

~*~

_So, I’m back in bed, bodiless in dirty sheets, watching through the window as Iseul's blue Honda pulls out of the driveway and cuts through the thick air, zooming around the bend, as if he’s trying to outrun the thunder. I know the rain will break any minute, and it will wash away Iseul for good. And if it doesn’t? Shit, I’ll do it myself. What’s another phone number screened? What’s a little more guilt? There’s just too much to be heard in thunder. The ground changes colors as the first water falls._

**Author's Note:**

> the title comes from an excerpt by Emery Allen:  
>  _“I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything._  
>  _Maybe we’re from the same star."_


End file.
